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The Journal Archives – Not the Same River

From my journal – September 1, 1997:
I think I’ve been avoiding writing on this page – starting a new book of my life.  I guess I was hoping I could time it right, so it felt like I was entering a new chapter of my life.  But life doesn’t work like that – at least not mine.  I don’t suddenly wake up one morning and watch all the pieces fall into place.  I don’t wake up one morning and watch everything fall apart.  It’s more like a river, a stream, always moving, but never quite the same.  Each corner, each bend holds something new – a challenge, a lull, a pool, a storm, a tide, a waterfall, a twig, a branch, a rapid, calm…

 

You cannot step into the same river twice.

-Heraclitus

And today:
That was 13 ½ years ago.  I haven’t read those words for a long time.  Strange to read my own writing from years past – years full of change and growth, full of falling apart and falling into place, and so on, and so on.  The river analogy is one which I continue returning to.  It just works.  Life – time and matter – are continuously moving and we are in that stream, either moving with it or against it, or temporarily at rest, while it moves around us.  I’ve experienced the forward motion, the backward motion, and the unmoving states.  And these past reflections on life offer me, now, a view of the waters I’ve traversed, my methods/approach on the journey, and what I have learned thus far.

Mindfulness and Lovingkindness

I volunteered for a daylong at Spirit Rock this past weekend. It was my first time volunteering there, first daylong, first time doing walking meditation, and first time practicing lovingkindness. A lot of firsts in one day! I am so grateful for Spirit Rock and the opportunity to assist in exchange for participating in classes/events.

The day was led by Donald Rothberg and our morning session focused on mindfulness. There was some instruction on the basics of getting comfortable in your posture, tuning in to your breathing, and bringing your awareness back to the present, which is where mindfulness occurs. And in the second half of the day we learned about the practice of lovingkindness, phrases to personalize and silently repeat, and the different groups to direct this positivity towards. Both sessions alternated between sitting and walking meditations, and questions and guidance.

Mindfulness is not a new concept to me, in fact, cultivating it every day, every moment is my goal. I have been aware of the power of being present for quite a few years and that awareness is evolving into more and more of an active practice versus just a passive realization. In other words, I read ‘Be Here Now’ by Ram Das, and many other books of spirituality, eastern philosophy, etc, which taught mindfulness, back in my twenties, but continued to be somewhere besides here and now almost every moment. Really just within the past three to four years have these teachings started to dawn on me in a new, deeper way. I am gradually putting all of this wisdom (thousands of years worth) into practice. And that is the key to so much in life – doing the work, the practice.

I enjoyed Donald’s patient and lighthearted approach and the affirmative effect of all these people coming together to learn about slowing down, tuning in, and being present. It was nice to be a part of that and to have the time and space to dedicate to it.

Walking meditation is interesting. It’s a nice chance to stretch your legs and get outside. It requires concentration in different ways. I found, as did others in the class, that balance was trickier the more I slowed down. The positive effect was that being challenged to find balance brought my thinking and feeling back to now. And as is often the case with physical, tangible lessons, it made a lasting impression:

You need to be present in order to be balanced.

The afternoon was harder for me. I’ve found through observing my natural daily rhythms and patterns (and thank-you to Mark McGuinness’s Creative Pathfinder course for the prompting), that as the afternoon progresses, my concentration diminishes. And lovingkindess requires another level of concentration beyond mindfulness (which we still need to be practicing.) It was well worth the effort and very rewarding, though. Again, to give myself permission to sit quietly and cultivate positive, loving, patient, and kind feelings towards myself and towards the people, and creatures, of my world – if we all did this on a regular basis the world would be a nicer place. So much negativity could be dissipated by taking the time slow down and be kind and loving.

Donald provided some suggested phrases and this is how I personalized them:

May I/he/she/they be safe, secure, and comfortable.

May I/he/she/they be happy, healthy, strong, and vibrant.

May I/he/she/they live with ease and grace.

And May positive energy flow to and from me/him/her/them.

Thank-you, Donald, for your generous teachings.

What I find most interesting is that the following day was a hard one and three days later I am just starting to feel lightness and awareness return. I didn’t recognize what was happening on Sunday, just that my energy (physical/mental/emotional) was quite low. It was hot and Saturday had been a long day (and also hot) – that’s what I attributed it to. But on Monday I began to examine my thoughts and feelings and recognize that they were primarily self judgement, insecurity, doubt, and worry and in the past or future. At some point it hit me that I was being challenged in the very areas we had practiced on Saturday: being present (not caught up in analyzing the past or worrying about/imagining the future) and being loving and kind, starting with ones self. Hmmm…

The only way to really learn is by Doing and the most powerful learning, and growth, comes through the biggest challenges. So, little by little, moment by moment, I have been able to see the opportunity in this challenge of focus. And there is a gift there, too: I have the choice of what to focus my attention (thoughts/feelings/energy) on at each moment. Starting with mindfulness, the more I am fully present, in the here and now, the more I can recognize and release negative thoughts/feelings/energy and cultivate positive and productive thoughts/feelings/energy, including lovingkindness towards myself and the world around me.

I spent some time with ‘Be Here Now’ last night and like this description of mindfulness meditation:

The southern Buddhists (Theravadin) practice a form of meditation called Satipatthana Vipassana (Application of Mindfulness). It starts with the simple exercise of Bare Attention. All that you do is register thoughts, states, etc. in the present. This process slows down the transition from the receptive to the active phase of the cognitive process. You don’t think about your thoughts. You merely note them. This produces “peaceful penetration.” You transcend conceptual thought.

So I will start there (for a week is Ram Dass’s recommendation) and once I’ve gotten good at Bare Attention, I will move on to the next level of the practice.

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